another year has come & gone

0205h Tuesday, December 1, 2009

How, exactly has this happened. As I sit here and listen to the sounds of work (creaking pipes, rattling ceiling joints, snoring patients, pyxis drawers opening and closing, downward occlusion beeps) I wonder, just where the heck this past year went.

As usual, this past year has been a mass roller-coaster ride for me. You know, I always assumed that as you got older, things would make more sense, you'd feel more settled and experience more peace. Generally speaking. I find however, that things make LESS sense, I feel LESS settled and have experienced the least amount of peace than in recent years. Now why is that?

I thought my heart was full and I had no room for anything else. My heart grows three sizes too large every day that I see and experience something new with the boys. I just can't even believe how funny & wonderful their personalities are. I can hardly wait til their Christmas concerts this month. I have Kleenex ready. I just know I will bawl. I cannot help it.

Quinn overheard me say the other day that my body seemed to be changing....I meant the strange going-on's lately, the exhaustion, the clumsiness, the hormone swings, and he says to me, mom, it's ok my body is changing too! I love you Quinn. And I love you Mason. You tear at my heart strings every single day.

My family....end of story. Aren't things a mess. My heart aches everyday. So I try not to think about it. Maybe one day....hopefully not too late.

The ex. Always tricky, we don't always have success, but I think we are doing the best we can. Thank god he is a good father. I still remember the good times.

My in laws....thank you. Just thank you so much.

My job, I love. I really & truly do. Now, I didn't get into school this fall and as a result, have experienced doing things for ME! What a novelty. I'm starting back to yoga this month. Truly, that was a turning point for me this past February. And I cannot believe I have abandoned it. I feel shame for the state that my downward dog will surely be....but not for long.

It's been a really tricky year this year for friendships. I feel like I have lost some. I know that I have gained some. I have daily struggles regarding friendships. This is not something I expected to be dealing with at the age of "29-again" I am still learning not to build walls. I can count on one hand though, the friends that have helped me get through this year. They have built me up and allowed me to feel like a little bit of me. No, alot of me. I so love you.

There's a possible new venture on the horizon...it excites me. I wonder if it can work...I so want it to.

I just want to be happy. Settled and peaceful. It sounds so easy. Yet, so intangible. It's definitely work. Sometimes hard, but it usually pays off. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I need to work on patience and acceptance and forgiveness.

One thing that remains constant, is my far too wonderful husband. Sometimes, I sit and think about who we used to be apart, then who we were together, and how we have changed together and grown together over the years. The most I have learned about myself has been since he came into my life. The most I have learned about love, I learned from him. His neverending amount of patience for me, and his neverending amount of understanding for me I find astounding. I think I sometimes push it and push it to see how far I can go....He keeps me grounded, he keeps me in line, but most importantly he lets me be exactly who I am, no matter how good or bad that is and yet, he loves me unconditionally, without judging, or scolding or cutting me down. I hope to get used to that at some point. I hope to stop worrying whether or not I deserve someone so wonderful. I am lucky to have him, the boys are lucky to have him and I feel so thankful that we are a family. I need to remind myself how good we have it. I shouldn't have to, but sometimes I need to.

It's 0245h. It's not really taken me this long...pt bells are going, there's chit chatting, the site leader is bustling about...

It's December, my very favourite time of year. MY new year. I hope to be a better me this year, for my family & my friends. And most of all for me. I can do this.

d.xo